Sleep well, Sis.

I'm not a writer. I feel like I used to be, but I don't think my elementary school writing contest entries quite qualifies me to start this blog. So why do I do this? I'm not sure. I think it's because I'm missing my sister. Actually, I know it's because I'm missing my sister. And I realize more and more how much this loss still hurts and cuts me to my core when I indulge and give myself too much time to think about it. Much of my sadness lies in the fact that I hope I still have very much of my life to live, and many other people to meet. If I come across that day that I meet that someone who I'll spend the rest of my life with, or even most of the rest of my life with, and knowing they will never know the beauty and the hilarity that makes up my wonderful sister, well, that part hurts me the most I think. Katie lit up a room, and she did it in a very non-traditional way. Katie could walk in, as frazzled as a hurricane, wrapped up in her chaotic life wearing the day's escapades and foils on her sleeve so that you knew everything that happened to her in the last 24 hours. She'll invite you into this chaos, and she'll do it without a hint of a facade, without a glimmer or show of any care of how you may judge her, but just authentically... as herself, as Katie.

Here is one of many wonderful and fantastic examples of the way my beautiful sister operated:

My sister has been through thick and thin with me. I was not an easy younger sister to deal with. Well, I like to think I was actually pretty easy to deal with. However I was the one who out of all of us siblings,  always seemed to take the harder route when it comes to romantic relationships. I was in love, head over heels, with someone who though he has many good qualities, just wasn't the right person for me. My sister always supported me and made every effort to get to know him and to build a relationship with him, in spite of her skepticism that he could have been the one for me. She did this for me because she knew how much I loved him.

We hit a bad time, and I had to move out of the house... and quickly. She didn't hesitate, she didn't eye roll at the number of times she's had to help me out of these types of situations before. She didn't miss a beat, and she quickly offered up her (and her husband's) services to help me move. This, coming from a mother of three who knew balance and juggle as a lifestyle, she never knew anything else. She was managing her other work, and her other passions in life (card making), her wonderful husband, my wonderful brother in law, and her three beautiful children (three adorable reasons why I actually feel like my old, salty heart isn't completely hopeless). Every weekend was filled with either a sick kid at home or a temper tantrum at the store (sometimes hers, sometimes my sweet nephew's - he takes after his mama's fiery temperament).

So what did my sister do? Katie packed up the kids and husband without thinking... and she showed up at my brand new apt, this new space that I had to quickly secure at the last minute when I made the decision to leave the relationship. By the time this motley crew arrived at my very new and empty apt, I realized too late that I hadn't figured out a game plan as to how we expected to move everything from north of Seattle to my new, empty, small apt in downtown Seattle. My dear friend, Sophia, who is also someone I can always count on, was there as well to show her support. She was there to witness the beautiful debacle that was my family: my sis, my brother in law, and my three adorable, pain in the ass nephews. As we discussed the tricky logistics of having to move stuff out, my lovely sister simply and unapologetically, might I add, volunteered Sophia to babysit my three nephews. This was almost one of the first times she met Sophia, possibly the first actually, and she volunteered this lovely stranger she just met to babysit her three kiddos (though I love them, they can be terrors  - but they ARE the cutest of terrors). Never mind that she entrusted the lives of three young seeds of her blood to a total stranger, the thought never occurred to her that this lovely stranger she just met, would even a) be good with kids and b) would even WANT to babysit someone else's offspring. To close the loop: a) she's great with my nephews - they absolutely love her and she makes them laugh anytime she's around them and b) she didn't want to, but she did because she's my friend and I know she'd do anything for me. Even if it means watching someone else's kids.

Here's the funny part: Sophia's shock at a stranger suggesting this idea, paired with her high level of discomfort with kids, would have made a fantastic clip that could rival other videos on AFV. If you also know Sophia, you can imagine the amazing feat my sister accomplished by putting Sophia into a place where no words could describe what she was feeling in the moment. This is such a true and accurate picture of my sister. She doesn't apologize, she doesn't think she needs to please others, she just sees what needs to be done and she does it (in the way she thinks is best). She cuts to the first solution that comes to her mind and she doesn't think anything needs rationalizing or a negotiation or an apology. Katie saw that her younger sister got herself in a bad situation and that she needed to make a change for herself in order to get out. And she took immediate action. And this is one of the many countless ways that my sister has managed to save me.

Katie is a wonderful example to me. Everything beautiful about her are things I'm not. And I'm so grateful I could have had such a wonderful person and role model in my life, let alone, that I get to call her my sister.

More to come on this, but, full disclosure at this point: this is a completely indulgent opportunity for me to share all the wonderful moments, and all the wonderful memories I've had with Katie. I don't want all of this to be sad, but I expect I'm going to be able to include funny moments, happy moments, touching moments, and maybe even sad moments. Even though I won't get the chance to introduce new people to Katie, I hope that I'll never forget the important role she's played, and the wonderful and beautiful parts of her that made her, her... everything that was, is, and always will be, Katie.

I miss you so much, sis. My heart does hurt in a way I didn't think was possible simply because you're not here in my life. I know if you were still here, you'd be giving me advice on how to deal with the everyday challenges that I would come to you with, some small, some big. But I hope you're smiling right now, and I suspect that at times, I may even be able to make you laugh out loud at my antics and my life fails, which are many (me falling down on 49 scenic mile, me not being able to sleep because I've discovered that I'm the unwilling roomie to an unwelcome mouse in my SF apartment, or  me taking Mom out and getting her quite tipsy while enjoying my favorite wine bar in SF).

Though my heart feels so sad, and so heavy at times, you do still fill it with more love than I ever thought I'd ever deserve. You make me realize that no matter what happens to me moving forward, I'm so happy with the life I have because you've been in it. I'll never be able to express my appreciation and my love for you.

Sleep well, sis.